November 1 2020

I began the day wishing everybody a Happy November – after all there are only two more months to end this year. Some of them responded and some didn’t.

Around 4 PM, I was almost ending a zoom call when my mother called me twice. I ignored it. Then my brother called and my mother texted at the same time – ‘Thanga aunty passed away’. I had an inkling for few months that something would go wrong with her because she was a cancer patient and COVID-19 didn’t help make the situation any better. I had spoken to her 2 weeks back and she was hopeful. I was in for a huge shock when my mother added below her first text – ‘she took her own life’. I sank in my chair. My mother had spoken to her the same day. An hour later, she learnt about this unfortunate incident.

Thanga aunty was our family nanny for 35 years. My grandmother bought her home a few years before my mother’s 2nd brother was born. She took care of 2 generations, helped the elders of our family, attended church, and we took care of her and her family, like our own. She always carried an album full of our pictures – my mother, her brothers, the children, our grand parents, extended family. There was not a memory which she didn’t store in her album. She used to yell at us when we missed church or if we took a back seat in church. She always cared about our spiritual growth and worried about our wellbeing.

I went back and forth hoping it was not true. So many called into say she was depressed. I don’t ever remember her being hopeless. Even when she got to know of cancer, she didn’t lose hope. I consoled myself over and over that the medicines given to her during chemo such as anti depressants, worked differently with her mind. I learnt from one of our family members that aunty didn’t want to burden her family as she was already 73.

I looked at my last WhatsApp to her. She didn’t text me that often but called. The text was dated January 1 2020 — I had wished her a Happy New Year and she wrote back ‘Same to you Kitchimol’.

I have been depressed for long and keep wishing to not see another day. But, this incident has changed my perspective to life. I no more want to hide behind anything called as depression because of what it does to those around us, those who actually love us. Aunty had fought even harder battles like losing her baby, losing a husband, overcoming so many health issues. I only wish she didn’t think she was a burden. When she lived, she was the light and we all respected her. I cannot imagine the pain she went through and even worse the pain in her heart before she decided to end it all.

None of us are a burden to the Lord who created us. It is mentioned in Psalms 139:13 “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. ¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well”. I wish we could speak to her more — she was important to all of us, so many of us loved her.

We are all carrying each other home. If you are ever depressed, remember that you are bigger than what is happening presently in your life. You are a Miracle — a beautiful one and let no person, disease, failure make you think otherwise.

May the God of peace reign in your hearts through the rest of this year